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Listed below are Football related jokes
intended to amuse.
If you have a joke you would like published
here, E Mail it to:
WORLD CUP JOKES
Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England
football team? Cinderella wanted to get to the ball....
Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to
prove he is still
alive. He said that the England Team performance on Sunday was completely
s**t. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the
message
could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.
Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa
with out catching anything .
In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England
games will now
be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 arse holes being
regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.
I can't
believe we only managed a draw against a s**t team we should easily
have beaten......I'm ashamed to call myself
Algerian.
The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning,
"its
so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly
struggling, and facing the impossible"
said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.
Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn't break
into the
dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.
What's the
difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.
Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car
park when he noticed an old
lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He
stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the
old lady replied,
"No way. You got yourself into this bl***y mess, don't ask me to sort it
out..."
The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into
the dressing room.
And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way
into the dressing room.
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| SET PIECES. BUT NOT CORNERS !!! |
A man takes his Rottweiler to the
vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's
have a look at him.'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says,
'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because
he's really heavy.
I was shocked to hear today that Battersea Dogs Home has been forced to close down. Yes, it's true,
they have had to call in the Official Retriever! Boom boom!
Q: How do a group of penguins make
a decision? A: Flipper coin!
Dave the Scouser is touring America on holiday and stops in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada.
He's chatting to the barman when he spies an old Indian sitting in a corner-complete with full tribal gear, long plaits and
wrinkles.
"Who's he?" asks Dave.
"That's the Memory Man," says the barman.
"He knows everything. He can remember
any fact. Go and try him out."
So Dave wanders over and asks: "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?"
"Liverpool," replies
the Memory Man.
The tourist is amazed.
"Who did they beat?"
"Leeds," comes the reply.
"And the score?"
"2-1."
Dave
tries something more specific.
"Who scored the winning goal?"
The Indian does not even blink:
"Ian St John."
The
Liverpudlian returns home and regales his relatives and friends with his tale, and he's determined to return and pay his respects
to this amazing man.
Ten years later he has saved enough money and returns to America. After weeks of searching through
the towns of Nevada, Dave finds the Memory Man in a cave in the mountains.
The Scouser steps forward, bows and greets the
Indian in his traditional native tongue: "How."
The Memory Man squints at him and says:
"Diving header in the six-yard
box." J
Sunderland manager Peter Reid walked into the Nationwide Building Society
one day whilst a robbery
was in progress. One of the robbers hit him over
the head and knocked Reidsy out. Whilst coming around, Reid said "Christ,
where
the hell am I"
One of the staff told him he was in the Nationwide
Reid replied - "It's May already then!"
Harry Redknapp arranged to send all his Portsmouth players on an all expenses paid holiday to Florida
to prepare for the next season, but they said they’d rather go to Blackpool so they could see
what it’s like on an open top bus.
What do you call
a Scottish player in the first round of the World Cup?
The Referee!
What does James Beattie
do after Everton beat Liverpool?
Turn off the Playstation!
Everton have a new
sponsor: EASY JET.
In and Out of Europe
in 90 minutes.
Q: How do you define 144 Chelsea fans
A: Gross Stupidity
Two
blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:
"Here lies John Sweeney, a good man
and a Chelsea fan."
So, one of them asked the other: "When
the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"
A little boy took his parents to court because
he did not want to live with them anymore. The honored judge said to him "So why don't you want to live with your dad?"
"Because
he beats me" said the little boy.
"Why don't you want to live with your mum then?" asked the judge.
Because she beats
me aswell.
"Oh" said the judge "Well who would you like to live with then?"
The little boy replied" I would like to
live with Southampton FC, because they don't beat anyone!!"
Apparantly, Blackburn football club is under investigation by the Inland Revenue for tax evasion.
- they've been
claiming for Silver Polish for the past 30 years.
Q: What's the difference between an Everton fan
and a supermarket trolley?
A: The trolley has a mind of it's own.
Q:
How many Manchester City
soccer fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.
Q. What's the difference between a Hibernian
fan and a coconut?
A. You can get a drink out of a coconut!
A Bloke walks into
a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age love to put on the mantlepiece.
He thinks "that'll be perfect for his Mother's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
"£25 for the rat,
£100 for the story", replies the man.
"Forget the story"
says the bloke, and so buys the rat for 25 quid. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 30 yards when a rat comes up
from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following
the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after
each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....
"Aaaah", says the
shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"
"Screw the story
- do you have a brass man utd fan?"
A Rangers and Celtic fan get into a nasty car
accident. Both vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out
of their cars, the Celtic fan says, "So you're a Rangers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic fan... Wow! Just look at our
cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends
and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The Rangers fan replied,"Totally
agree - this must be a sign from God!" The Rangers fan went on, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely
demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and
kicking?"
He hands the bottle
to the Celtic fan who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to
the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands back to the Celtic fan. The
Celtic fan asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Rangers fan replies, "Nah...I think I'll just wait for the police......"
A wee fella hands over a £50 note to the turnstile
operator at St James Park
Fella:
Two please.
Turnstile Operator: Will that be defenders or strikers,
sir?
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